Embrace Individuality: A Reflection on 2024; A Task for 2025 — FREE FROM CODEPENDENCY
Another year has passed. Another cross on the calendar of life. Another notch on the bedpost. Another chance to do it all again. The years roll on quicker as you get older but with that comes more wisdom and security. I always tend to look back over a year and compare it to where I was the same time, the prior year. A useful exercise that can reveal progress made (or not).
This is not a resolution post. I don’t believe in New Year resolutions but I do believe in reflection and lessons one can learn from it. I have always believed that change starts with self awareness and reflection, whether it’s in written or mental form. We can and should always learn from earlier experiences and indeed, mistakes. They give us the material to change the way we do things.
So, what about 2024? What kind of year was it? Many things happened that are out of our control. International politics, global conflicts are just some of the things we worry about and busy ourselves with. We often forget that important work is done by concentrating on the things we can influence and that is usually quite a small list and mostly about us as individuals.
For me, it was a breakthrough year in many ways. It was the year I embraced fully the power of I. More about that later. Individuality. Personal autonomy. Call it what you will. I believe that it is essential. There are many expensive programs and discussion out there, many books and speakers who talk, write and advocate for codependency recovery. There is, in my opinion, only one way to move away from codependency and that is to move towards yourself. Have an internal, not external focus. Explore who you really are. Rediscover those parts of you that you discarded because of the thought that they wouldn’t be accepted. Discover new passions, friends, groups and adventures. Make you a priority and make sure you keep that going when you get into a relationship.
All sounds very simple but, of course, it isn’t. Due to the neurological, hormonal and physiological processes that occur when we meet someone new, we tend to throw it all out of the window in the name of “love” or convincing ourselves we have found the “one”. We can’t be blamed for this as our brain chemicals actually change in the early stages of a relationship to smooth the process of attraction. At the same time, the parts of our brain that usually judge and evaluate shut down. This is why everything seems rosy in our world when we meet someone and why it is so hard to take it slowly, despite a part of us saying, we really should.
In truth, we are all incompatible by default because we are individuals. A sense of compatibility only comes when we are able and willing to constantly work on the differences that divide us and that is true for day one as it is for much further down the line. I’ve seen relationships implode very quickly when one or both decide to basically give up on this work. Work that is comparable to running a company in its complexities. Those who say they are compatible from day one are likely codependent, in denial or have been engulfed in fantasy.
At this stage, the power of I is at its lowest. We give up everything of who we are and enmesh ourselves with the other. Unless of course, you are emotionally challenged and distant. Then the opposite happens. It is just the time when individuality should be clung to like a barnacle on a boat. A relationship should compliment us, never complete us or fill some void. It should be an extension of us, not define us. Relationships often take a familiar path if they start with a lack of personal autonomy. The very things that attracted us in the first place, become a threat later and we then engage in the three projects. The Three Projects is a theory put forward by Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS therapy. He states in his book that once we start to feel threatened by the things that attracted us to a person in the first place, we try to shut those parts of that person down. If that doesn’t work, we shut the parts of us down that wanted to shut the parts of our partner down. Project three is when we give up and look outside for our gratification, through affairs, overworking and becoming emotionally disengaging.
Personal autonomy is the cure to many ills. Codependency, relationship issues and a diminished sense of self. Personal autonomy in a relationship refers to keeping a sense of individuality and self-determination while participating in a partnership. It entails having the freedom to make your own decisions, pursue personal goals, and communicate your opinions, values, and wants without feeling pressured or controlled by your partner. Autonomy promotes good relationships by instilling mutual respect, allowing both partners to develop as individuals while strengthening their bond.
In a relationship, personal autonomy is essential because it enables both partners to preserve their individuality, which is essential for a harmonious and healthy relationship. It promotes a fair dynamic in which neither partner is excessively dependent on the other for emotional stability or decision-making, thereby preventing codependency. Mutual respect and trust are fostered by autonomy, as each individual acknowledges the other’s autonomy. This opens up opportunities for personal development, allowing individuals to pursue their own interests and objectives, which can infuse the relationship with new energy and depth.
When autonomy is honoured, people feel less constrained or repressed, which decreases the possibility of resentment or conflict. It also encourages the formation of healthy boundaries, allowing both partners to coexist peacefully while maintaining their sense of self. Autonomy fosters emotional intimacy by establishing a safe foundation in which individuality is appreciated, encouraging open and honest communication that deepens the bond. In essence, personal autonomy enriches relationships by striking a balance between love (which means different things to different people), support, and personal independence.
I call it “conscious detachment”. That might sound negative but to truly embrace individuality, you must detach from the idea that you can’t exist without “the other”. You must detach from the societal expectation that “the other” has a job to make you happy and most of all, you must detach from the idea that being alone is bad. Alone time is an essential part of a fruitful relationship but we are taught and feel that we should be with our partner 24/7, 365 days of the year.
Starting a journey toward personal autonomy is a bold and beautiful step. This is your time to embrace your individuality, This year or next, trust your inner wisdom, and create a life that reflects your true self. It’s about making choices that align with your values, setting boundaries that honor your needs, and discovering the freedom that comes with living authentically.
This path won’t always be easy-there may be moments of uncertainty or challenge-but every small step forward is a meaningful step toward growth. Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about learning, evolving, and staying true to yourself. You are always stronger than you realize, and every choice you make is a reflection of that strength. Trust yourself, stay grounded in who you are, and know that you are capable of building a life filled with respect, balance, and joy. This journey is yours, and it will lead you towards something extraordinary.
I leave with the words of Jim Carrey, someone who has gone through a spiritual transformation. He said that while playing all of his different characters, he lost who he truly was. Profoundly, he says that if we don’t rid ourselves of all the versions of us that we aren’t, we will go to our grave holding onto an illusion of a person we never were. Happy new year and all the best for 2025.
Originally published at https://freefromcodependency.com on December 28, 2024.
