Why Taking It Slow Matters in Love
There will be many people going into 2025 either looking for a relationship, avoiding one, starting one, hoping to leave one and some wondering why they can’t. There will, of course, be others who are very happy and looking ahead to developing something with somebody. Such are the stages of a relationship.
I have sometimes been criticized for being very cynical about relationships. “Stuck in the same old mindset”, said someone recently. Still, I would love to see my cynicism about certain aspects of the way we behave in relationships cracked open. My experience is such that I can generally predict how even the most relationship averse people will behave when they believe they have found the “one”. The term itself doesn’t stand up to scrutiny given the high global divorce rate and research that tells us that we will have at least five to eight encounters before we settle down. How many “The One” do we need?
Nothing proves the above more than the honeymoon period. That hormone soaked time when nothing can convince us that we haven’t just met something dropped from heaven. Don’t get me wrong, even an old cynic like me has done it and it’s a great time. Yet, it doesn’t prepare us for what’s to come in any way shape or form and it could be our brain we can blame for this.
There are several chemical changes that take place in our brains during the early phases of romantic love, which are commonly referred to as the “honeymoon period.” These changes can inhibit our capacity to appropriately evaluate a potential spouse. There is a jump in levels of dopamine and norepinephrine, which results in an intense feeling of euphoria, a heightened concentration on the partner, and an increase in energy, according to research that conducted using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) and other techniques. There is also the possibility that serotonin levels will decrease, which is comparable to the patterns that are observed in obsessive-compulsive disorder and will cause a persistent fixation with the new companion. An increase in the levels of the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which are linked to bonding and attachment, also occurs, which results in an increase in feelings of closeness and trust.
Neuroimaging investigations, like those conducted by Aron et al. (2005) and Bartels and Zeki (2000), have further demonstrated that during this honeymoon period, areas of the prefrontal cortex that are related with critical judgement and negative emotional processing become less active. This leads to a decline in our “critical faculties,” which makes it simpler for us to idealize or overlook the inadequacies of a spouse during the relationship. In her 2004 article, Helen Fisher outlines how these neurochemical alterations might lead to mistaken or exaggerated impressions, despite the fact that they heighten the experience of being “in love.” Ultimately, the reason why it can be so challenging to evaluate a partner’s personality and prospective compatibility in an impartial manner during the first few months of a relationship is because of the combination of increased reward circuitry, decreased critical cognition, and an obsessive-like fixation on the beloved.
So what’s the purpose? The “honeymoon period” in a romantic relationship is commonly understood as the first stage filled with excitement, heightened attraction, and a sense of idealism toward one’s partner and the relationship as a whole. It typically involves strong positive emotions, fewer conflicts, and a tendency to focus on each other’s best qualities. Ultimately, the honeymoon period helps couples form a strong baseline of affection, trust, and positive regard. As the relationship matures, navigating challenges and learning to keep connection beyond that first infatuation become the core work of a long-term partnership.
Yet, that is not what we do. Over twenty five years of experience in therapy has taught me is that we jump in with two feet, lose ourselves and think that the person we start a relationship with is going to stay the same throughout. On many occasions, I have advised people to enjoy this time, get to know the person, look for obvious red flags and don’t commit too early to anything (including sex). This advice is often ignored until the honeymoon period is over and the next stage starts. You need to know who you are dealing with.
Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory suggests that our unconscious mind plays a significant role in whom we are attracted to. Freud believed that many of our desires and fears are rooted in unconscious conflicts, often stemming from childhood experiences. According to this theory, we might be unconsciously drawn to partners who remind us of our parents or who fulfill unresolved needs from our past. While some aspects of Freud’s theories have been critiqued and revised over the years, the idea that unconscious factors influence attraction remains an important consideration in understanding why we are drawn to certain people.
The Law of Attraction, rooted in the idea that like attracts like, suggests that the energy, thoughts, and emotions you project into the world are reflected back to you in the form of relationships and connections with others. Central to this concept is the belief that a positive mindset attracts positive experiences, including relationships. By focusing on love, happiness, and mutual respect, individuals are more likely to draw relationships that mirror these qualities. For instance, if someone desires a relationship based on trust and support, embodying these values themselves will help attract partners who resonate with those same principles.
A crucial element of applying the Law of Attraction to relationships is the emphasis on self-love. The relationship one has with oneself sets the foundation for all other relationships. When a person loves and respects themselves, they naturally attract partners who treat them with the same level of care and consideration. This self-love acts as a magnetic force, drawing in people who mirror the individual’s self-perception. Thus, cultivating a strong sense of self-worth is essential for attracting the right partner.
Nonetheless, the Law of Attraction also requires individuals to overcome negative thought patterns. Dwelling on fears, insecurities, or past relationship failures can lead to the attraction of similar negative experiences. For example, a belief that “all relationships end in betrayal” could manifest in future relationships if not addressed. Shifting focus to positive beliefs, like “I am worthy of a healthy, loving relationship,” helps attract partners who align with this positive expectation.
All of the above tells us that we are basically without our normal faculties during the honeymoon period. The very reason we should take it slowly, enjoy the time but realize that things are going to change.
Originally published at https://theonlinetherapist.blog on January 5, 2025.
